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Time:08:27 pm
I have much I want to talk to this evening on my random thoughts. I am a roleplayer, and a parent. I find I do enjoy going to troupe games once an awhile but only when it is ok. I havent done it for years but I have done it a couple times with the past couple months. I get a babysitter to watch donovan so I can have some mommy time to see my friends that I can never see. I find myself to be tired when the game starts. I find the money I spend for the babysitter plagues on me of what I could be doing with the money. I dont think I want to do it anymore.
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Subject:parent attachment is cool, and I dont give a crap about other parents choices. Its our lives!
Time:07:54 am
Current Mood:awakeawake
So, apparently the internet world is all abuzz about some Time magazine cover. Yesterday, my inbox filled with over 100 emails from people discussing, analyzing, and picking apart the cover, the article, and the concept in general. “Are you mom enough?”

Well, I don’t know if I’m mom enough and I, quite frankly, don’t give a crap. I didn’t read the article. I don’t remember the last time I read any article in a magazine. Oh wait, last month, in the pediatrician’s waiting room, I thumbed through the holiday recipes in a three year old issue of Family Circle, if that counts.


Honestly, I don’t understand the need for people to dissect other parenting choices, or articles about them, or the concepts in the articles, or whether or not the model in the picture is wearing flattering colors. Who cares?! I’m a little too busy taking care of my son, and loving him.
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Current Music:vampire diaries in background
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Subject:Love <3 <3 <3
Time:07:12 pm
Current Mood:soresore
I find that I am starting to get annoyed more and more these days at coworkers at work because they have nothing better to do in their lives then try to butt into mine. It is to the point now they openly talk about me to each other about the choices I make because their so annoyed by one of our coworkers at work that is pregnant with twins going on and on about her awesome pregnancy. I am happy for her, and she is a good friend of mine so I am happy. She has been trying to have a baby for a long time now with her new man. She already has a 4 year old that is super cute. Now she will have 3 when all goes well cause I have high hopes. My coworkers keep talking about my pregnancy and all the trials I went through, they speak about how much I loved not talking about anything with anyone at work and still do. They speak about how I sacerfice so much, and in the end I am boring with no life. I do not add anything to their conversations. I just listen to them. They speak how I am not intelligent about how I handle my situlation about not going on welfare. I do not believe I need it so I do not wish to be apart of a program that I know I make to much money gross pay wise for. I may not have everything I want, but I have what I need. I may not have everything I want for Donovan but he has everything he needs. He doesn't need everything in the world. I thought through so many things and this is what I come up with. Life is nothing if not a series of endings and beginnings. Many transitions are seamless, and we hardly even notice them, others create a vivid moment in one's memory that even time can not completely erase. I have been so depressed because I cant afford my medication, but my children really keep me from drowning. Donovan drive me crazy sometimes with his terrible twos, but he also makes me laugh so much. The things he says, does, and their gorgeous faces amaze and surprise me everyday. When I feel low, Donovan knows and will and go out of his way to make me laugh, pet my hair, or give me kisses. He is so affectionate and loving to me when I am down. It should be the other way around, and it is, but I love that he cares enough to try and make me feel better. I usually am really good at faking it when I feel down, but sometimes he sees through it. But lately, it doesn't feel like I'm faking it as much. So even though him mom and take care of him, my son really does take care of me too. I'm so grateful and I love him so much. As parents, we don't always realize how much are children help us just by loving us. Take a minute and really think about a bad day you've had, and then think about your interactions with your kids. If you think about it, you'll realize they even the smallest thing they did probably made you feel at least a little better. I'll tell you what, kids really are magic. ♥
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Time:08:44 pm
It's not that I don't want to talk about how I feel, it's just that I don't know how. I'm used to being the rock, not the one who needs it...
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Subject:I was reading 10 Playdate 'Rules' of Conduct online of this hilarious mom i had to share
Time:08:51 pm
1. No burning the house down. Cause that's just unacceptable. I mean, come on.

2. No drawing blood. Everyone gets the occasional bump or bruise ... even a scratch here or there is par for the course. But as soon as the blood starts flowing, the fun is over.

3. If you're going to draw on the wall, use a washable marker, NOT a Sharpie. The Mr. Clean Magic Eraser isn't really magic, you know.

4. If you're going to jump on the furniture, the limit is 2 kids per bed/couch. Otherwise, say hello to your little concussion.

5. Watching TV is totally allowed. But if your mom has some kind of rule about screen time at your house, maybe don't mention that I let you watch a Dora the Explorer marathon.

6. Snacks are totally allowed. But if your mom has some kind of rule about no sugar at your house, maybe don't mention that I let you eat a couple of popsicles.

7. Yell and scream as loud as you want, but remember: I won't be able to hear you because those little things in my ears are blasting Led Zeppelin.

8. If you're going to smush play-dough into the carpet, try to use that old hunk of mixed-up colors that looks like a mound of poo, because nobody will miss it.

9. If you're not allowed to chew gum at your house and you chew gum at my house and it gets stuck in your hair, I'm telling your mother I have no idea how it got there.

10. You will be expected to help put all the toys away ... if you want to know where to find them the next time you come over for a playdate. Because frankly I am not going to spend all afternoon digging under the couch for missing Lego pieces. (Your arms are tinier anyway.)

What are your playdate "rules" of conduct?
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Subject:Shelia Marin Howell (10 years)
Time:06:34 pm


















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Subject:Time
Time:06:29 pm
Current Mood:mischievousmischievous
The minutes defy their 60-second confines. The swollen hours haltingly circle the clock.

Tick.

And then, some days later: Tock.

The days stretch like taffy from one fleeting slumber to the next if your allowed such in the first place.

Until one morning you wake up and, rather suddenly and completely without warning, he's one, then two. Somehow the plodding individual moments of 365 torpid days have coalesced into a year that raced past in a heartbeat, then did it again. In 9 months he will be 3.

In the blink of an eye.

In the change of a diaper.

He's one. Hes two.... If this doesn't make me feel old.. My amazing daughter is 10. She will be 11 in 10 months...
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Time:06:22 pm
Current Mood:draineddrained
It breaks my heart when I discipline my son and he silently weeps and sniffles cuddled in the corner with his teddy bears while giving me the sad eyes. I have never hit him, but I have gained a demonic sounding daddy voice that tells him to sit down in said corner. He tried me a couple times but I kept picking him up and setting him back down in his spot. I make him stay there based on his age. 2 minutes seems to be hell for him. It seems like forever to. I have a clip on timer for timeouts, or I use my cellphone to count down. The time does restart if he leaves the corner. When its done I explain what he did, I make sure to stare into his eyes. I hug and kiss him and reassure that I love him. I do not tolerate naughty children. I am a yes ma'am, no sir type of girl. My child will grow up to be responsible and awesome!


Damn, damn, damnit.


Whatever! I am not that bad guy here! I will not give in!
LOL
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Current Music:P!nk - F**kin' Perfect
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Subject:Kennifur, once told me I just need to open up and I will be free.
Time:07:49 pm
Current Mood:depresseddepressed
I have one amazing daughter, I have one amazing son. My son lives with me. My daughter lives with my aunt. I failed at parenting once, and learned from my mistakes...or lack of education.. I'm over caffeinated, under medicated and I wing it daily. Being a total no bullshit accepting bad ass is a skill that I highly encourage you to try at home. I move day in and day out with the mind set that I am a warrior princess. *flex muscle rawr!* One thing I've learned over the years is that life is not fair. Life does not keep score; we are the ones who tend to keep score, by choice. Sometimes that works to our advantage and sometimes it does not. The imaginary score card, if we choose to keep one, is ours either way and so is the burden of keeping a running tally. We can decide how are lives turn out in the end. I hear non stop at work, and out in public about I cant, I cant believe, OMG why?? Why does this happen to me always? Nothing is ever good enough... We own our lives, for better or worse, with or without keeping score. It is all ours and what we do with it is our choice alone. The real question, are you going to play or not? And when you do choose to play are you going to keep yourself distracted keeping score or are you going to go all in and play for fun, play for keeps? Are you going to keep the good and leave the bad on the table so as not to taint your hand? All you have in life is the hand you hold. The choice is yours though which cards to keep and which to toss.

“Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing
You are perfect to me” (it is the current song that I am listening to, right now)

Continuing to play the game is a choice, so is folding and doing nothing. Like a child’s Choose Your Own Adventure book the choices started the day each of us came screaming into this world. We were born crying, we don't have to live that way though. That is a choice. We can not always control what happens to us but we do always have a choice in how we live with, or without it. Yes, even when we can’t see it, choice is always there. I'm making choices now.
I'm not known for being the girl that gets knocked down, I'm the girl known for getting back up...By choice. Like a motherfuckin' Weeble Wobble I get knocked down but I pop back up...By choice.

I go to uncomfortable places here in this blog and it's real, and honest, and sometimes embarrassing. I do it by choice when others would never do this or understand my doing it and I understand why. It's scary as Hell and it's not always funny or pretty or clean. Blogging about your personal life is kind of like that reoccurring dream you have where you’re out in public and suddenly realize you have nothing on but your underwear, or worse. Writing about a real life that is lived is messy and it takes a certain lack of emotional inhibition, you have to get naked. However, through the ugliest of ugly the beautiful shines through, if you choose to see it. I'm choosing to see it.

The best part of the whole story of our lives will not ever be in the part where we get knocked down, it will be in the part where we got back up. And that is the best choice of all. The hardest choices are not always the easiest but they are the most rewarding.

I will confess, I thought about giving up this blog. It’s awkward to write and have people that actually know me read it now.Sometimes I feel they will use it against me, or hurt my son because some are mutual friends with his sperm donor that has no intention to have anything to do with him so I told him to stay away, and moved and do not tell many where I live. That is the choice I made. He knows how to contact me if he ever chooses. The choice has not been made, and I wont force anyone into doing something they don't want to do because I don't want Donovan to be miserable later on down the road. No hatred, just tired, and realistic. I get annoyed when friends, and coworkers ask me why this is my choice. It is mine.. MINE! I have been socially attacked enough by his family, and I removed them from my life. Sometimes I feel Donovan is only important to me, and I want to make his life is special. I want him to feel loved. ( I dont know why I cant stop crying while I write this blog)

Writing about the past is easy, writing about pain that is here and now is difficult and uncomfortable. Writing through it and coming out the other side though is epic. I choose to live a life that is epic. I can’t alter how I write to protect my privacy from those I know, friends or family. I’m too deep into this blog. Nothing wonderful ever happens when you stay in your comfort zone. I tell you my secrets here and then they are out there in the universe – no longer secret from anyone. Normally, in life, you have the choice of what you share and with whom – we choose different levels of access to those we know. A blog removes that ability. But it also does something else I’ve learned, it touches other lives.

While I’ve been deciding what to do with this blog something amazing happened, I’ve been getting emails, lots of emails from everywhere. Emails from people whose names I’ve never heard, whose faces I’ve never seen. I’ve read them all, often more than once. Hearing from people I don’t know that in some way in the year and a half that I’ve been writing this blog that I’ve made a difference to them makes me feel less…Naked.

We all have a story but not everyone can share theirs. I have chosen to share mine and if I can help someone out there, or bring a smile from time to time through this blog then I choose to get back up. Many of you chose to contact me and I choose to hear you. I’ve learned through the emails that I’ve received that so many of us have common demons. What I choose to see as more important though is that we have common dreams.

The key is really me. I choose to continue kicking ass because really, you haven’t seen anything yet.
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Subject:I was told to update my Donovan blog I started but never update.
Time:07:02 pm
Current Mood:depresseddepressed
No Mamma – “My Do It”. The dreaded words a toddler will usher when they want to do something their way and on their own terms. It is a crucial learning milestone for the development and growth of your child. The repetition reinforces the physical and mental tasks from buckling the car seat to putting a lid on a sippy cup to putting on their own pants. But boy – those “My Do It’s” always seem to come when we are running late and you need to get somewhere, or your caught off gaurd with the quick grabbing to do it before you can even finish the task.

Take a deep breath I tell myself and just let my son go through the motions – because there will be an all out temper tantrum if mom try to assist a “my do it”.

The light at the end of this tunnel is that eventually your child will be able to do this task without assistance from you. You can say, “Honey it is time to get dressed” , and they will be able to do this. You can say get in the car and buckle up, and you do not have to stand in the rain and wrestle with the straps and buckles which never work right when you are running late LOL.

This is just one of the many ways your child will learn and begin to become their own independent person. Let them experience the process and practice the task, and hold your tongue. There will be more important “my do its” in the teen years to save your words for.
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[icon] Darkness Waits for noone.
View:Recent Entries.
View:Archive.
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You're looking at the latest 10 entries, after skipping 10 newer ones.
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